FAQs
Alright, here it is: the obligatory FAQ page where I pretend to answer questions no one actually asked, since the total readership of this site is about three people. But, since you're already here, you get to see my glamour shot. Yep, that's me right there. The Bald Bard. Looking like the bastard child of Jim Morrison and Lord Byron. Now stop undressing me with your eyes.
(As to why I call myself the Bald Bard when I've been gifted with such a beautiful head of hair: it's post-modern and artistic, and you wouldn't understand it, so don't ask stupid questions, m'kay?)
The Bald Bard deep in thought, contemplating the epic versification of Dumb and Dumber.
Q: OK, so what is this site and what kind of freak are you?
Well, this site, to be unduly repetitive (since it says what it's about right in the header, there), is about taking the movies most people consider lesser works of art, or at best campy fun, and invigorating new life into them by using the tried and true techniques of yore: make even the most mundane aspect of these movies a matter of poetic discourse, where gods and mortals meet on mythical landscapes of epic greatness.
Like they say, one man's junk is another man's treasure, and I'm hoping that this project will reveal the jewels hidden in the heart of junky cinema – hence the name Epic Junk.
As for what kind of freak I am, you might need to buy me dinner first to find out...
Q: Right... so in other words, you're making stuff up based on some other made-up stuff?
Yep! Ain't the art world grand?
Actually, what I'm doing is paying an homage to both the movies that I love (for whatever reason) and to epic poetry, which is in many ways a neglected and underused art form that should have a well-deserved place in modern literature. So, I'm taking something most people dismiss as commercialized crap, and presenting it in a way that would be palatable even to someone a thousand years ago (ignoring the linguistic impediments, of course). After all, everyone loves a good story, but whether it's really good or not often depends on the way it's told. So, all I'm doing is using an old technique of ancient bards to make some pretty cheesy stuff seem exciting all over again.
Q: OK, there's a method to the madness. But what's the point?
Well, the point is that I have a lot of fun doing this stuff, and it just might make other people interested in both film and literature, especially since Epic Junk is a tongue-in-cheek commentary on both film and literature as they are in this day and age. ( yeah, right )
However, for all the seriousness this site does not claim, the poems themselves are not mere parodies. I write them in a way that treats the narratives and the imagery they draw upon with utmost respect, since this is essential in making the effort of writing this stuff worthwhile. Otherwise, I would just be a smartass and a cynical bastard playing around with a gimmicky concept, and the web certainly doesn't need another one of those.
Q: So, who is this stuff written for?
Anyone and everyone who appreciates film, literature, poetry and art in any way at all. This is my humble attempt at a creative homage to all the things that inspired me and continue to do so when the going gets tough. However, since I'm a big geek, expect to find geekery galore in this stuff, with inside jokes, technological transposition (heh), meta references to other movies that featured some of the same actors, classical allusions to people and events, clever puns on names and characters (well, I hope they're clever), and a whole bunch of other stuff to make other geeks chuckle.
In some small measure, however, I strive to create poems that can stand on their own merit, and become small works of art ( all of you yelling out 'ARTFAG!' right now – shut the hell up – you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't one as well).
Q: Do you need to be familiar with the movies to understand the poems?
Meh, sorta. In some ways, if you don't know what movie the poem is based on, it might give you a fresh insight from a completely new perspective. However, then you might not get to enjoy my aforementioned inside jokes, and the poem would lose some of its effectiveness (plus, it would be three times as long, since I would have to cover absolutely everything). But, as long as it keeps you interested, I have no complaints either way – you'll figure out the inspiration for the poem sooner or later.
Q: Do you welcome submissions by others?
Not at this time – at some point in the future, I'd love to have this site become a hub for like-minded geeks, and grow a library of modern multidisciplinary stuff (AKA, more of the kind of crap I'm doing here, just by some losers other than me). In the meantime, epicjunk.com is a personal excercise in creative randomness, but I hope you find it entertaining.
Q: Dude, enough with the talky-talky, it's starting to sound like a blog!
Umm, I have no idea what you're talking about... oh right! Click for the News-Of-Epicness, the actual blog.
